Stuck in a Post Traumatic World

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05-17-2009 02:56 PM

My world collided with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in July 2006. I was a frantic mum with a 3 year old boy and twin 2 year olds. I was trying to juggle part time work and motherhood and one brisk morning 2 days after I turned 40 I made a silly mistake and decided to overtake a very slow driver. That was the last decision I made with a rational mind. The very slow driver turned out to be a road rager, he was driving very slow I found out, so he could slow me down specifically. When I made that decision to overtake him, it was the trigger for him to control my actions. From that moment on I could not get in front of him, I could not get behind him. It resulted in us colliding and the horror to unfold. His rage was immense and it was coming at me. Even now I cant remember which window he appeared at as it seems he appeared at every window, his head bulging through and screaming with such intense hate. My head was spinning what to do, how to handle it and if the kids were ok. Writing this now is so difficult because I have to relay something that broke my mind even to this day. I have experienced horrific moments in my life and thought myself hardened to the horrors of day to day. I worked as a fraud investigator for the Government and on a daily basis interviewed people from the welfare sector and dealt with tantrums and poor behavior often, but on this day my children’s life was now at risk, their security and there was no one in sight to help or protect us. Now I am sorry to say that there are parts of this day that I cannot peace together, there are moments that are missing and this is one of them. I had a collision with this man and then I was at his house, both cars drove there. I remember hopping out of the car and locking it. Telling the kids it was ok, their faces were frantic and terrified. I wanted to keep going to the police or something but knew if I left the scene of an accident it would be wrong. Always trying to do the right thing . His behavior was foul and vicious, he was so angry he was jumping up and down and bouncing around his lawn. I will not go into detail here other than to say it was a tirade of abuse and not much productive detail. Something that I could usually deal with, I was amazed that on this day, this morning, things changed, I went numb and could not speak, could not defend myself and felt myself breaking before him and before my tiny children. Their eyes had sheer terror before them and I could not protect them. No amount of begging him to stop because of them helped. When it had finished I had to hold myself together, my chin was quivering as I drove off. All I knew was I had to get them to my mums. I was in stunned silence trying to focus on what had just happened but who was expecting me to do what next. I managed to blurb out to my mum that I had an accident but it was as if I had committed some crime. I think at the time it was because my children were in the back that all worry was about them. I dropped them off at my parents as the next step was to go to work. As I drove off I realized I had to report the accident and let my partner Brad know. I was not in a state to go to work yet, so I drove home. As I got closer to home the tears started to flow. The tears did not stop, I was only able to tell Brad quickly before emotion took over. When he arrived home that night, the tears were still flowing. The kids were rallying around him telling him about the bad man in toddler talk. On the face of it, this was not a scenario that was too bad, the car had a ding in it, there was no physical injuries and we were all home safe. I thought I was in a bit of shock and would stop crying soon. Three years later I still think that. The next morning I attempted to go to work but broke down on the way, still adamant that it was all good, I walked my way in the door then promptly fell to pieces, unable to breathe, unable to talk. My work colleagues stood around me trying to figure out the problem. When my manager came in and told me to go to the doctors immediately. My doctor understood what was happening and got me on some anti depressants to try and nip it in the bud before it got out of hand. Counselling was arranged and a few days off. The councellor had no expertise in this area and proceeded to stir it up more by bringing up all my bad experiences. My mind was in a complete state of melt down and tears increased. Thank god my work got involved quickly and arranged a rehabilitation provider who knew what I was experiencing. She arranged to go to the doctors with me and explained that it was not to do with any other bad experience I had had but a post traumatic experience from the accident and abuse. I was referred to a great psychologist. The whole thing in my head was this was a temporary thing, I was strong and I could get over it. When the rehab signed off a plan for 3 months to get me back to work, I was gob smacked. No more than 2 weeks. I had never had panic attacks such as these, my nightmares were filled everynight. I could not get the incident out of my mind yet I could not remember it all. Whenever someone reminded me of what had happened I collapsed into a complete panic attack and my mind became jelly afterwards. The drugs seemed to just zonk me out, making it harder to be a mother to my kids. I was even put on a drug that everyone thought was great called effexor which made me more anxious. Every time the dosage was increased to try and quell the anxiety I got worse until I could not talk, just whisper and stutter. The drug recipes went on until I finally put a stop to it 18 months later. I seemed to be extremely sensitive to them and know amount of mixing the dosages worked. It then took several months to come off them until I had no side effects. I was beginning to lose hope that this bloody disorder would go away. With my psychologist I tried relaxation methods, re-affirming methods, emdr, cognitive behavior. I psyched myself into going to places that terrified me. I slowly integrated back to work but the relapses were fast and furious. There were triggers out there such as aggression, yelling or too many people that set me off and back to home I would go until I recovered. Finally after 18 months of attempting to resume work, many psychiatrist reports, assessments, medications, the doctor said it was enough and ordered that I be moved from my workplace to one that did not involve customers or lots of people. As my organization could not put me in a position that involved that I was left at home for a year to wait. In this time I had relapses but they were smaller and further apart, my world shrunk to what I was comfortable with. But one thing that increased was my temper. I didn’t equate this to Post Traumatic Stress but figured it was just me being foul tempered. Looking back now I understand it, I have no in between. If I am late for something and someone is holding me back.. I yell, I scream, I panic. If I have an argument with Brad.. I yell, I scream, I panic. There is no little bit angry, no little bit annoyed.. it is all the way. My emotions are full on and I have lost the balance. Recently I have been placed in work trials in jobs that are supposedly safe. Unfortunately my panics have picked up. I am physically able to do the job, I am smart that way but the anxiety levels pick up and build each day. I have noticed that the more I have to do, the more decisions I have to make which range from taking the kids to school, taking kids to soccer, getting to work, where do I park, talking to people, going to the shops, by the time I get home I am in a state and the tears are beginning to flow. Some days I start the day agitated and have full blown panics before it ends. And then some other days I have relapses which involve re experiencing the accident, flashbacks, which stay in my mind and make me in capable of doing anything else. It is exhausting and when the depression kicks in, it makes life extremely hard. One thing I have realized is very few people have any idea how to deal with you, how to support you and fewer take it seriously. Most people around me tell me to get over it, its all in the mind and they themselves have got over something similar. Three years down the track most people I know just either avoid me, have to be reminded what the problem is as they have paid so little attention to it. Unfortunately these are people who are my family and friends which makes it so difficult. I only wish I could get passed it and get my life back as I am or was a extremely capable person. Another thing I have heard is Post traumic stress disorder is permanent, you can treat the trauma but your stuck with the anxiety. I am three years into my nightmare but still live in hope it will go. I am more accepting that its not going in any hurry, and have less time for people who keep giving me advice. I am stuck in this post traumatic world.

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